LOVE without sacrificing yourself

Last year, my beautiful 10-year partnership with Chris ended. 

I’m in the early stages of a new partnership, a clean slate, and I’ve been learning a lot about love without self-sacrifice. 

Before you read on - it’s a goodie - I wanted to let you know that enrolments for my 2024 sensual and sexual empowerment course opened today! 

Unravel Me is a tremendously special experience. If you’ve been curious about working with me, this might be the one. 

I invite you to have a look at the details and contact me if you’d like to talk about it. We start April 13 and there are limited spaces available. 

Now, where were we...

Sacrifice in the name of love is commonplace in the collective where women especially are socialised to be nurturing caregivers, often prioritising the needs of others at the expense of their wellbeing.

My family culture, like many others, sees selflessness and sacrifice as virtues. My loved ones make huge sacrifices that make little to no practical sense because they believe this is a measure of their human goodness.

I was a young parent to my Mum as a kid. Still, in adulthood, my Mum says to me “I’m so lucky to have a daughter like you, Shelly” with so much love in her eyes every time I put her needs above my own.

One of the tools that is helping me to create healthy and equitable relationships in adulthood is radical honesty. Also known as - authenticity. Being true to yourself and honest about your thoughts, feelings, desires, and vulnerabilities. 

Authenticity is not an excuse to be blunt, cruel, harmful or insensitive. Nor is it a requirement to share every single thought or detail of your life. Radical honesty must always be paired with empathy and kindness. Yes, privacy is also still healthy and allowed.

It’s normal to find this practice scary at first. I certainly did.

What if they reject my true self?

What if I’m judged?

What if this starts a fight?

What if this reveals incompatibility?

What if I lose independence by allowing them in?

It takes courage to overcome these fears. But I encourage you to do so because authenticity is key to thriving in modern relationships! It builds trust, enhances communication, promotes connection, and supports you to grow individually and together! The benefits usually far outweigh the risks.

A few months ago I asked for my partner’s truth on something big. 

We were both fighting back tears, working to stay grounded, feeling the scariness of our conversation. 

His answer wasn’t what I was hoping to hear and I felt so disappointed and curiously, unloved. This was curious to me because this man loves me so fucking much. It’s obvious to me, him and everyone around us. But I still felt unloved. 

“A part of me wants to just say yes because I love you so much and I want to do everything I can to make you happy. But I can’t say yes to this without abandoning myself and resenting you,” he told me.

A few weeks ago it was my turn to be truthful about something big. 

We’d been talking about the future of our relationship and a picture had slowly been forming. But I had realised that there were parts of the picture that I didn’t truly want but felt like I had to be on board with. In the spirit of radical honesty, I was called to tell him.

“I understand, but I feel sad. It’s going to take me a little time to grieve that vision”, he said, eyes watering. 

It felt empowering to be honest. I also felt mean, selfish and tremendously guilty.

He feared I didn’t love him and wasn’t committed to our relationship when my love for him and commitment to our relationship were stronger than ever. 

I was afraid that he wouldn’t love me unless I put his needs above my own. 

“A part of me wants to just say yes because I love you so much and I want to do everything I can to make you feel safe. But I can’t say yes to this without abandoning myself and resenting you,” I told him.

On both occasions, it took us time to process before feeling fully safe and connected again. I’d say around 12 hours, including a good sleep. 

On both occasions, we felt our love, trust and connection had deepened a lot as a result of our authenticity.

My friend Sanya says, “Being devoted to yourself is being devoted to your relationship.” I love this. I say it to myself all the time now.

I have always thought about devotional love as ‘giving everything’.

I’ve since been thinking about devotional love as ‘giving all of me’ - the truest, fullest version of myself. 

Comment to let me know - "What's one act of self-devotion you can commit to for your well-being this week?"

Can you imagine what it might be like to be devoted to your sensuality & sexuality?

Can you imagine yourself sensually and sexually thriving?

Can you imagine how your relationships might evolve if you felt confident and connected to your heart, pleasure and inner power?

I’d be honoured to guide you inside Unravel Me.

With love,

Michelle x