I couldn't save any money...

Since the age of about 11, I found safety in relationships by self abandoning...
 

A mechanism to eliminate conflict & inequity.
Both of which have overwhelmed me since my earliest memories.
 

If someone has a need, it was my job to meet it. If someone's in pain, it was my job to hold it.

And I was really, really busy doing just that. In my family, professional, romantic… well, all personal relationships.

For a long time, this deeper truth was hidden beneath cover stories.

I was simply more caring & capable than others. I didn’t need reciprocity. I had so much to give. In fact, it was my joy to give.

I was the friend paying for my ‘struggling artist’ friends lunch.

I was paying for & organising all holidays & dates with my partner.

I was donating to a bunch of charities I didn’t align with.

I was doing immense one-way emotional labour for my family.

I was putting myself in risky & reactive situations offering support to homeless folx.

I couldn’t save any money.

All the while, my immune system was so weak from a body drowned in cortisol (the bodies main stress hormone) that I was sick every month for years of my adult life, had glandular fever twice, developed chronic fatigue,  polycystic ovaries, cystic acne, eczema & 4 new food allergies.

In the absence of having the skillset & capacity to set healthy boundaries & regulate my nervous system, I managed anxiety in a world filled with inequity & conflict by playing the role of the caretaker. 

Creating codependent dynamics everywhere, habitually taking responsibility for things that weren’t mine to hold.
 

Over-giving was so ingrained in my identity, I didn’t actually know how to understand myself without it.

Which made evolving out of it really scary

At the heart of codependency is a feeling that who we are is fundamentally wrong. Shame wrapped around our deepest sense of self. 

So, we find a sense of goodness outside of ourselves through over-giving.
 

This is one of the many reasons why I am a passionate activist for pleasure. Goodness within.
 

This journey has not been easy for me. I’ve needed a lot of support, space & grace as I’ve made new kinds of choices in my life. 
 

And, my inner & outer realities look & feel radically different than they did at the start of the journey.

My relationships have reciprocity & healthy boundaries.

I intimately understand my nervous system & how to regulate it.

I haven’t been sick in 18+ months. 

My skin is clear & my cycle is healthy AF.

I have savings!

And I love myself in such a deep & true way. 

Resonating? Hit me with a 💸 in the comments!